Resentful and Prideful? Who Me?

24. March 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

The last couple of weeks my Pastor, Netz Gomez, has been preaching on the topic “Knowing Yourself.” The first Sunday he addressed the issue of detecting bitterness. Of course, my first reaction was, “good thing Pastor, because, you know, there are a lot of bitter people in church.” All was good until he began going through the 5 symptoms of bitterness. Ouch! 3 out of 5. I scored 3 out of 5 of the symptoms. How could that be? I am not bitter! Purely coincidence, I’m sure.

The next Sunday the issue was detecting pride. Okay, I knew I was in some trouble here before he even started, but I did not realize just how much trouble. Now, let’s not confuse things. I’ve never been a person who has despised or otherwise looked down on other people. That’s not the kind of pride I’m talking about. Rather, my issue with pride has been more about my independence and matters related to that (we won’t go into specifics). Then Pastor Netz gave us a verse of scripture that tore at my insides, Proverbs 16:5 - “Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD.”

An abomination! It couldn’t imagine anything worse than that. Now I had the task of some serious soul searching to get to the bottom of this. Thankfully, with the references given by Pastor Netz, it didn’t take too long to figure things out.

Okay, so I thought that I had forgiven some people in my past. After all, I’ve said the magic words, “I forgive _________.” I’ve even prayed for them and blessed them. Isn’t that what forgiveness entails? Yet, it seems that each time something happened related to a past incident, it’s as if a scab is pulled off of a wound that’s healing and I’m left bleeding again. Then I would begin the process of grieving and quickly cut it off lest I be seen in my weakness (there’s that nasty pride); and I suppress it all again, burying it even deeper each time.

What has been the result of this suppression over the years? Deep seeded resentment. Allowing resentment to build up prior to becoming a Christian is understandable – basically it is a matter of unforgiveness and a desire for vengeance. Yes, I said it, revenge. But how did I allow it to happen after I became a Christian? After all, aren’t Christian’s these loving and absolutely forgiving creatures (oops! I meant “new creations”)? Well, part of the resentment does in fact come from unforgiveness. But after digging just a little deeper, I believe it’s been more about ignoring what has happened; pretending as if it had no affect on me. Isn’t that what a lot of people do? – think that forgiving means just forgetting it happened. You know, you just go through the motions of saying the magical words, then bury the matter. The problem is that you bury it inside of you, way down deep.

Well, the real problem is probably not even in that you buried it, but rather the fact that it will manifest itself. And it has with me. Spiritual stagnation – you take three steps forward, then two back. Then there are the relational problems – you just can’t seem to trust anyone, not your pastors, or any other spiritual leader. You question their authority. You want to go at it - your spiritual walk - alone. Not that the Lord is not sufficient but you need to be able to talk to others, leaders and mentors at times to help you sort things out so that you can get through difficult times. The fact is that we were created for community/fellowship. There are the outbursts or overreaction to seemingly unimportant things or things that you should be able to deal with in a “mature” way (yeah, my leader and friend, Oti – she’s been on the receiving side of this from me and it ain’t pretty). There’s the cynicism and sarcasm. Here’s a good one: you think you are just fine. You do not have issues. And when the Pastor makes that altar call for ministration, you feel that nudge, you know, from the Holy Spirit telling you to step forward to the altar and you absolutely resist because you don’t care for anyone to know you need help (there’s that pride again!). You just blew off your opportunity for a breakthrough and healing.

What’s next? For me, the first step was admitting that much of my attitude, and I have much attitude, is a result of unresolved resentment and a problem with pride. I do know where the roots of these problems lie (and many roots there are). When you ask God to search your heart, be ready because He will and it could be painful. You may not like what he finds. I don’t know how long it will take to rid myself completely of these “issues,” but I understand I need to let them go, once and for all. I will do things intentionally to deal with these problems. If I can’t resolve them through prayer, counseling is an option (my pride struggles with even the thought of this).

Why have I taken the time to write about this in my blog? Because I know I am not the only one who struggles with these issues. I heard a pastor once say that we have a choice of two teachers – Wisdom and Consequences. With Wisdom we learn from other’s experiences – all it requires is discipline, obedience, consistency and time (it’s absolutely painless). With Consequences, we learn through our own painful experiences, real suffering. I’ve spent the last 30+ years with Consequences as my own personal teacher. Have I learned some lessons? Oh yes. But I’ll tell you, it has not been a fun learning experience. From this point forward, I choose Wisdom. If you are reading this and you can relate, it’s time for a definitive change.

p.s. I highly suggest for anyone who has the slightest clue that they need more information, that you obtain these two teachings from Pastor Netz Gomez. Did I mention they were in Spanish? It’s worth getting a translator. You can order CD’s - “Conociendote A Ti Mismo” through Houses of Light Church by calling (818) 998-2931. Or you can visit the website at www.HousesOfLight.net. Messages are being posted on the site.

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