I received a call from a friend of mine earlier today. She is a little more than two months pregnant and had an appointment this morning with her OB/GYN. She told me that the doctor was checking the baby’s heartbeat and was told that she could not find its heartbeat. I immediately felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach.

Five years ago today I found myself pregnant. I was absolutely thrilled. This, like my two previous pregnancies, was very much desired. I had some months previously surrendered my life to the Lord (this was six years after accepting Him as my savior) and I was on fire. I had attended a weekend women’s encounter that had completely transformed me. After that encounter weekend I committed my life to serving Christ. Where prior to that weekend I had prayed, “God, I want to have a baby.” I was now praying, “Lord, if it is your will, I desire another child.”

I was about nine weeks pregnant when my husband and I went in for a routine exam and ultrasound. Our then three year old son went with us. He wanted to see the baby on the “tv” (ultrasound). The doctor moved the wand around my belly and without mincing words said “I can’t seem to find the baby’s heartbeat.” I instantly dreaded the worst. The doctor ordered an ultrasound which confirmed that the baby was in fact no longer alive.

While my husband broke down like a baby, I was, as far as I was concerned, very strong in the matter. All that came to mind was Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength,” and James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

The days would pass and friends would call or come by reassuring me that “God is in control.” When they would ask how I was doing I would very matter-of-factly state, “It simply was not God’s will that I have this child. This was simply a test of my faith.” And I would smile and quote James 1:2-4. I would continue to carry my dead child for almost another week before I spontaneously aborted. As far as I was concerned, I had passed that test with flying colors.

You see, I had the misconception that having the “joy of the Lord” somehow required me to just suck-it-up. And isn’t that the message we get sometimes, that because we are Christians, when we face tribulation we are to continue praising God and basically just get over it (all the while keeping a smile on our faces.) While I was continually smiling and I continued to serve as if nothing happened, internally I was very angry with God. I questioned how a loving God would give you the desire of your heart and then just rip it away? No one had an answer for me (of course, I didn’t let anyone know how I was really feeling). All they could say is “don’t lose your joy.” One thing no one ever said to me was that it was okay to grieve the loss.

We, as messengers of the Good News need to take special precaution with how we deal with people who are going through crisis. It absolutely kills me when I hear other Christians deal with someone who is experiencing a loss or going through some very difficult time and speak to them as if they aren’t supposed to hurt. As if anything less than keeping a smile on your face or responding “blessed” when some asks how you are doing is not Christ-like. Joy has nothing to with that.

What is joy anyway? While “happiness” depends on what’s happening around you – your circumstances – joy is simply the knowledge of who God is and what He has done for us through His Son, Jesus. So, while a Christian’s happiness can disappear as circumstances change, joy allows a Christian to find satisfaction in whatever God gives them (or takes from them). Does that mean that a Christian who has the “joy of the Lord” is not supposed to grieve or hurt? Of course not.

So what did I say to my friend when she called? Absolutely nothing. I simply listened. I let her cry and express her fears and anger. I let her get it out of her system without giving her any “Christian” clichés. She did call me back later in the afternoon with some good news. She had a more advanced ultrasound done and, praise God, the baby is just fine, and now so is she.