30. April 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

For the last couple of weeks, these verses of scripture have been my daily bread, a constant reminder of where I need to go daily (into his presence) to find rest and assurance that God is ultimately in control of everything that goes on in my life regardless of how uncertain things seem to get.

Recently I confessed to a friend that, for the first time in my life, I felt fearful, weak and completely uncertain of what my future held for me. I was in fact “shaken” by a preliminary diagnosis I received from a doctor after what I thought would be a simple visit to the doctor to get some medication to get some health issues I was having under control. Apparently, it is not that simple and, well, I felt out of control.

I initially only let two friends in on what was happening, both of whom I consider women who have acquired a substantial amount of Godly wisdom. Both told me the same thing: “God is still God” and “God is in control.” Okay, I already knew that. The fact of the matter is that I want to have control over this.

For the last five years or so, I have said on numerous occasions that I have completely surrendered my life to Christ. Completely? Apparently not. It seems that God keeps putting me in situations that bring me to the realization that there are things in my life that I have not given up to him. I want to maintain some control. First it was my professional status. Then my business. Then my finances. Now my health. The problem is that each time one these things come up, I’m hit a bit hard and I’m brought to my knees each time in repentance.

The idea that my future could be altered by a diagnosis is unsettling for sure. I know God is ultimately in control. I know that He has the absolute power to heal me at any moment in time. And I know that if I don’t surrender complete control of my life to him right now, it will take just that much longer to find relief. The idea of giving things up as things come up has not worked very well for me thus far. As one of my friends said to me, “esta es la vencida.” (Translation: it’s time to give it all up.)

While I have to admit that the feelings of fear, weakness and uncertainty are still with me, I know that ultimately it is not up to me to resolve this but rather I have placed my entire life and all that ails me in God’s hands. In the meantime, while God works his miracles in my life, I can rest in Him and the assurance of my salvation and draw from His strength to sustain me.

Posted in Personal Notes | Print | No Comments »

15. April 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10

I remember the very first time I read the word “forsake.” It was late summer in 1996. I had recently graduated from law school. I had taken the California Bar Exam and was anxiously waiting for my results (it’s a five month waiting period).

During that time I was involved in the occult. I had for some years been actively practicing the Yoruba “religion,” better known around these parts as Santeria. During this time, however, I was also at a point in my life where I was questioning everything and its validity in my life. Like everything else I’ve ever gotten involved in, I studied the Yoruba religion and had originally been very attracted to it by the power it brought (miracles I actually received). But because I had always believed in God and believed that Jesus was his Son, many of the practices and teachings never really did sit squarely with me. Still I had remained because of that sense of power it gave me.

In late summer 1996, I slowly stopped attending certain ceremonies and stopped seeking divination. My mother, who was very much involved in Santeria as well, noticed the progressive change in me. I had missed an appointment with the Babalao (Yoruba priest) and mom questioned me about that. I was scheduled to make a sacrifice to my guardian spirit so that he would continue to help me and assure my success on the exam. I explained to her that I had decided that I would not be doing anything until after my results came in. She was very upset and stated to me that if I did not pay tribute and do what I was supposed to do, my guardian spirit would abandon me.

I remember going into my room. I had a Bible on the shelf I had been given some 13 years earlier while at boot camp. I pulled it out and began reading where it fell open in the book of Joshua, chapter 1. Then I read verse 5: “No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you.” Coincidence? I don’t think so. So began my quest to find this God I believed in but did not know.

And what an incredible God we have! The Psalm above says “you Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.” What does that mean exactly, to never “forsake”? Well in the Psalm as well as in this verse in the book of Joshua, the Hebrew word for forsake is “`azab” and it means to leave, depart from, leave behind, to let go, to let loose, to renounce. Those meanings alone leave us quite an incredible promise. In the Miriam-Webster Dictionary I found one additional meaning for the word “forsake” which really struck a chord with me: “to give up”.

Meditate on that for just a minute. When we seek God, when we try to discover him, when we search for him, we instantly receive the promise that He will not leave us, abandon us, let us go or reject us. Neither will He give up on us, lose hope in us or stop loving us.

Doesn’t that just blow you away? The promise is ours for the taking.

It is so easy to get caught up with the business of daily living that we put aside what’s most important, seeking God. I am the first to admit to getting too caught up with work, the kids and everything else that I haven’t had time (better said, “made time”) for God. But that has been changing in the last two months. I have made a decision to intentionally seek Him through prayer and through his Word daily. And that, my friends, has made all the difference. As I have drawn nearer to Him, He has assured me of that promise of years ago that He will never forsake me. Won’t you seek Him today?

P.s. I did pass the bar exam that summer and I never returned to the Babalao again.

Posted in Personal Notes | Print | No Comments »

3. April 2009 by Annette Colon-Alvarenga.

“. . . because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”   The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” Romans 8:14-16

I have read this verse of Scripture over and over and over again during the last 11 years. And while it is an incredible promise, I had never really been able to make it quite mine – until now.

Last month my father, who lives in Arizona, announced that he was coming by for a visit. While a normal reaction after not seeing him for more than two years should have been excitement and joy, I immediately felt my anxiety level begin to rise. As his date of arrival approached, my mood changed dramatically. I became angry and frustrated.

My father and I have had a difficult relationship. My parents divorced when I was about 8 years old. Living with him was very difficult as he was the by-product of a very strict upbringing and he wanted to exert the same type of dictatorship in our home. While my mother and brother suffered at his actions and words, I mainly suffered watching how they were affected. My main role was always to be as good as possible, always walking on egg shells, so as not to cause any negative reaction from him. Their divorce was, as far as I was concerned, a great relief.

Some years after the divorce, my father would move out of state. I was sure to call him as often as I could; to send him his cards for Father’s Day, his birthday and Christmas. I would make efforts to visit him out of state. I tried very hard to please him. Notwithstanding all of the hurt he had caused, I very much wanted to be “daddy’s girl.” Eventually I would feel that, despite my best efforts, none of what I did was ever good enough. As the years have passed, the phone calls and visits have been much less frequent and initiated by him rather than me.

My relationship with my heavenly Father has been somewhat frustrating as well. I have always understood tthe concept of God as my heavenly Father. The problem has been separating Him from what I have known as “father.” Yes, even after hearing sermon after sermon relating to this, I have been walking on egg shells for about the last 5 years trying to please God. And each time I mess things up or fall short of my own expectations, I end up frustrated for not being “good enough.” And the concept of seeing God as “Abba Father” (Daddy) and truly capturing the essence of what that means in my relationship to Him has been somewhat incomprehensible. I remember sitting in a bible study and listening attentively as a friend of mine described her relationship with her father . She would describe how when he was at work, she would smell his shirts and “feel” his presence and the impact that has had in her relationship with God; her ability to come that close to God so as to touch His cloak. I’ve always envied that about her because as hard as I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to feel that I can come that close to Him.

My father’s visit was cut short. He decided to return home sooner than expected as he has not been well. After saying our good-byes, I had to come to terms with the fact that I still held some serious resentment towards my father, as well as feelings of rejection and inadequacy that resulted from our relationship. I realized that my constant struggle with striving for perfection (and the constant disappointment in never achieving it) has been a direct result of my apparent need of his acceptance. And then I realized how my relationship with him and all of the resulting feelings have had a tremendous impact on my own personal relationship with God as my Father.

I have also had time to reflect on the tremendous amount of love, mercy and grace my heavenly Father has showered me with over the years. He has covered me and protected me. He has shown me an incredible amount of favor, especially when I have not deserved it. He has set me apart and has placed His seal on me authenticating me as His child (2 Cor. 1:21-22). He has accepted me as His daughter just as I am. I am good enough for Him, not because of who I am, but because of who He is. I can with all confidence draw near to him and call him “Abba.” And I am, by all definitions, Daddy’s girl.

Posted in Personal Notes | Print | No Comments »