“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

For the last couple of weeks, these verses of scripture have been my daily bread, a constant reminder of where I need to go daily (into his presence) to find rest and assurance that God is ultimately in control of everything that goes on in my life regardless of how uncertain things seem to get.

Recently I confessed to a friend that, for the first time in my life, I felt fearful, weak and completely uncertain of what my future held for me. I was in fact “shaken” by a preliminary diagnosis I received from a doctor after what I thought would be a simple visit to the doctor to get some medication to get some health issues I was having under control. Apparently, it is not that simple and, well, I felt out of control.

I initially only let two friends in on what was happening, both of whom I consider women who have acquired a substantial amount of Godly wisdom. Both told me the same thing: “God is still God” and “God is in control.” Okay, I already knew that. The fact of the matter is that I want to have control over this.

For the last five years or so, I have said on numerous occasions that I have completely surrendered my life to Christ. Completely? Apparently not. It seems that God keeps putting me in situations that bring me to the realization that there are things in my life that I have not given up to him. I want to maintain some control. First it was my professional status. Then my business. Then my finances. Now my health. The problem is that each time one these things come up, I’m hit a bit hard and I’m brought to my knees each time in repentance.

The idea that my future could be altered by a diagnosis is unsettling for sure. I know God is ultimately in control. I know that He has the absolute power to heal me at any moment in time. And I know that if I don’t surrender complete control of my life to him right now, it will take just that much longer to find relief. The idea of giving things up as things come up has not worked very well for me thus far. As one of my friends said to me, “esta es la vencida.” (Translation: it’s time to give it all up.)

While I have to admit that the feelings of fear, weakness and uncertainty are still with me, I know that ultimately it is not up to me to resolve this but rather I have placed my entire life and all that ails me in God’s hands. In the meantime, while God works his miracles in my life, I can rest in Him and the assurance of my salvation and draw from His strength to sustain me.